Am-Shaegar's Diary

Sunday 3rd January

Went to goblin kingdom. Told goblins I was a dealer. Goblins got suspicious because I didn't have any drugs.
Found some blue Morning Glory powder. Told Goblins it was new drug called 'Smurf'.
Goblins let me pass.

Went to Arx. Went round trying out this new digital camera that the Noden gave me for Christmas.
Took some cool pictures of pigs exploding in slow motion.

Went home.

 

Monday 4th January

Went to Human Outpost. Found tavern with suspicious door.
Asked barmaid about door, told me that she'd help me after I was initiated.
Didn't know what she meant, asked again. Was told that she liked men with money.
Realised that she'd give me the key if I paid for it. Gave her money, got beer in return.
Tried to pay barmaid more money, told that I'd have to drink the beer first.

Couldn't work out how to drink the beer.

Tried to use the beer. Nothing happened. Picked up beer and hid it.
Asked again. Barmaid somehow knew that beer hadn't been drunk.
Tried to find somewhere to pour the beer, like in Return to Zork and Monkey Island 2. Couldn't pour beer away.

Put beer back on bar. Found I'd put it down sideways. Beer stayed in mug, head still perfect. Strange.

Wondered if beer poisoned somehow. Threw beer at Barmaid. Nothing happened, but beer still firmly in mug.
Picked up beer, tried to use it on other people. No effect. Threw beer across room.

Began playing little game with beer, trying to throw beer up onto upper galley of pub. Missed.

Threw harder, beer soared over railings and fell down stairs.
Picked up mug, beer still inside. Threw again, beer landed on upstairs galley!

Got bored. Tried to wield beer like a sword, and accidentally drank it!

Bought more beer, drank it. Got pissed. Spent all my money on beer. Got bad hangover but no key.

Killed barmaid, found key. Went home.

 

Tuesday 5th January

Went to Arx today. Spoke to sister Chinkashh. She told me to go and lose myself.
Went into lab. Felnor not there. Cast Incinerate on Sister Chinkashh and shut the door quickly.
Saw blast through door. Oh my God, I am so dead.


Memo to myself.. take better screenshot

Everything went quiet. Opened door, found Sister Chinkashh slumped dead.
What a wuss! Went home.

 

Wednesday 6th January

Went to Arx again today. Cast incinerate on Carlos. Spoke to him just as he was turning red.
Carlos fell dead but lips still speaking. Spooky! Went home.

 

Thursday 7th January

Today I ate lots of cheese and made myself sick. Then I went to Arx and decided to explore crypts.

Discovered a funny thing.. if I stand really close to the headstones and crouch down, can push my head through wall and see what's inside the tomb.
Also found I could 'abstract' objects out of graves without opening them by using gibbon-power.

Stole loads of goodies and fenced them off at Twins' place. Went home.

 

Friday 8th January

Went to Arx. Apparently some urchin has been kidnapped. Found a note about some cult trying to summon The-Black-Goat-Of-The-Woods-With-A-Thousand-Young.
Was bored, so decided to investigate. Went to Level 4, but was all dark.
Cast 'Night Vision' and found the serpent pillar.

Noticed cult members, Night Vision spell mysteriously cut out. Got confused since caves look different without Night Vision.
Thought I saw cult going down stairwell. Went down to Level 5. Couldn't find cult.
Went down to level 6. Still couldn't find cult.
Went back up to level 4 in defeat and accidentally stumbled upon cult.

Killed all the acolytes of the cult. Tried to free girl.
Turned and noticed that High Priest was still alive.
Watched in horror as girl turned red and exploded and The-Black-Goat-Of-The-Woods-With-A-Thousand-Young burst out of her stomach like in Alien.

Got reamed by The-Black-Goat-Of-The-Woods-With-A-Thousand-Young.
Fled in terror. Went home.

 

Saturday 9th January

Went to Arx. Found a man with a beagle, fishing in the river.
Found a bucket of fish behind him. Gave one fish to the beagle.
Man pulled a knife and nearly murdered me. Went home.

 

Sunday 10th January

Went to Arx again. Found the man and beagle, still fishing in the river.
Cast invisibility. Gave another fish to the beagle. Man didn't notice.
Beagle ate the fish and then attacked me for stealing. Went home.

 

Monday 11th January

Went into the rat-caves, found dead guy hanging next to a giant pumpkin.
Cast 'Aam Yog Spacium' underneath him and watched him do a little dance.
Then he disappeared. Went home.

 

Tuesday 12th January

Went down to Level 4. Found a line of gold coins leading to a chest.
Opened the chest, three goblins jumped out.
Cast 'Aam Yog Spacium' on them and they screamed in perfect harmony.
Went home.

 

Wednesday 13th January

Went down crypts again. Found Morte rune.
Played about with it and invented new spell: 'Aam Mega Morte'.
Should have been death spell, but doesn't seem to be very effective.
Looks pretty though. Went home.

 

Thursday 14th January

Went to Goblin lands, Goblins told me that they needed to have trolls working again. Trolls on strike. Asked King Pog why. Pog told me that trolls had idol stolen, promised to investigate.

Went into Goblin Kingdom, didn't know what to do, so killed everyone and picked over their corpses. Tore Goblin castle apart looking for clues. Found key.

Used time-travel to revert back to before I started killing everyone. Went straight to key, found idol. Goblins pleased.

Got Pog to clear tunnel. Went home.

 

Friday 15th January

Went to Goblin Kingdom, found Atok, who wants to be King.
Decided to help. Killed King Alotar so that Atok could take over.
Went to see Atok. Atok in berserk rage over King's death, apparently doesn't want to be King now he has the chance.

Killed everyone. Went home.

 

Saturday 16th January

Went to Human Outpost. Killed Ortiern. Got bored.
Went into forge, found shortsword. Threw shortsword out through door.

Shortsword got stuck in wall.

Found hammer, plates and other stuff. Began throwing them at wall. Some of them stuck, kept trying. Got stool, shields, bits of dead people. Found that if I threw them really high I could always get them stuck in the wall.

Took photo. Went home.

 

Sunday 17th January

Read newspaper. Found advert from ice-dragon selling eggs for IVF treatment. Went to Ice-Caves to see.
Dragon suspicious as was expecting another dragon, not me. Offered to pay full whack, dragon pleased.

Went back to Ice-Caves to explore. Noticed ice-rats in cave. Rats attacked me. Ran away.
Rats followed. Climbed up ledge, rats followed. Jumped off ledge. Rats followed, jumping off cliff like lemmings.

Fled back to teleporter. Went home.

 

Monday 18th January

Went to Human Outpost again. Looked at pigs and chickens.

Went up to largest pig, poked it. The word 'SPAWNY' appeared in my head.

Went up to chicken, poked it too. The word 'TOF' appeared in my head. Weird.

Took aspirin, went home.

 

Saturday 30th January

Got bored, killed Akbaa.
Press arrived to witness final battle between good and evil.
Just as making speech, Master turned up to take me back to the Noden. Damn.

Noticed that Master arrived in hurry and put his eyepatch on the wrong eye again.

Dragged home.

 

Sunday 31st January

Found interesting job offer in the Noden daily newspaper: "Fat jolly sage seeks powerful extradimensional being to help take over world. Call Batlin on Britannia 596895".
Contacted sage and faxed him plans to build a black gate, while the Master was in the bath.

Will travel to Britannia as soon as gate ready, but need to distract the Master.

Stayed home.

 


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